Dear Elizabeth,
I am grieving over the loss of a close friend. We were both stricken with the same health issue, and I survived, but she received care too late to save her life. I am struggling with this loss on many levels. What would you do, Elizabeth, to begin to heal from this loss?
-Grieving in PA
Dear Grieving in PA,
So sorry for your loss. Grief is such an unexpected emotion, and everybody handles it differently. I, too, am grieving over the loss of a close friend. Her death was such a shock. She was about to retire and was looking forward to starting her wellness business; she had even rented business space. Her loss is still so acute and brings me to tears. I find that writing about our memories together has been helpful in the grieving process. It helps me to remember the good over the bad, and celebrate a life well-lived. It's possible you will find it helpful to write down or recall your own memories as well.
One October, we attended the Met Opera together. After being enchanted by the costumes in the lobby, we made it to our seats only to find that applause had already begun in honor of the set and lighting design. Well, that was different, I thought. The two leads were stellar until the tenor “gacked” the highest note in his famous aria, causing my friend and me to flinch at the same time. While debriefing on the way home, we agreed that the vocal leads were wonderful singers but the casting was lacking. The female lead was at least my age or older, and did not resemble the young daughter she was portraying, and the male lead looked like the Shrek character, Lord Farquaad. We laughed until we cried but agreed that their singing, except for the one “gack” and the orchestra was well worth our attendance. You have to use your imagination when you attend the opera, my friend said. We stopped at McDonald's on the way home - in true Met Opera fashion. Bravo!
To celebrate our birthdays another year, we went to see a Broadway show. I wanted to see something humorous, and we settled on Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. When we arrived, I noticed we were the only women in our section of the theater. I thought perhaps we were in the wrong theater, but the word “queen” should have been my clue. The show was, to quote the guy seated in front of me, “fabulous.” The song, “It’s raining men, hallelujah…” has never meant the same for me after that night. Both of us had aching sides by the end of the performance from our laughter. Our pre-show meal was at Virgil’s. Yum!
My friend was an outstanding musician with a wide variety of musical tastes and a foodie at heart. These memories will be forever with me as I celebrate her love of music, kindness, laughter, and our adventures together. We helped each other through good and bad times alike. I can imagine my friend making healing music in heaven with family and the angels. They are lucky to have her with them, and she is missed here on Earth.
Grieving in PA, I am sure that you have many memories that will help you cope during this tough time, that will make you smile instead of cry should you think of them. That’s what I believe our friends really want us to do each and every day.
With love and care,
Elizabeth
Just Ask Elizabeth- How To Deal With Tough Times
Dear Elizabeth,
I have been having a tough time lately in my life. Nothing seems to be going right for me. HELP! I need some feisty inspiration ASAP!
Signed,
Had it with tough times in CA
Dear “Had it with tough times in CA”,
So sorry that things are not going well right now. We all have times like this, and we get so frustrated when these tough times happen. I truly believe that things always will get better and that we need to focus on the good times ahead!
I try to always keep in mind that:
Everything can and will change, for the better. (Think positive!)
You’ve overcome challenges before and can do it again. (Yes, you can!)
All things in life are a learning experience and so is this. (Learn new things, always!)
Not getting what you want can be a blessing and lead to better things. (Be patient, you never know!)
Always allow yourself to have some fun. (Laugh when you can!)
Being kind to yourself is the best medicine. (You deserve the best things that life offers!)
Never worry about the negativity of others. (Keep smiling!)
There is always something to be thankful for. (Just look around you!)
Do good even if no one sees it. (This makes you feel really good!)
Do something kind for someone else (The fastest way to feel good!)
Hopefully, these Feisty Woman hints can help you, even a small bit. They help me when I am feeling down, and we all feel down at times. Life is difficult. This is normal. Keep going.
Best,
Elizabeth
The Ninth Law of Karma: The Law of Here and Now
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Karmic Law #9: The Law of Here and Now
Be totally in the Here and Now. Do not focus on the past; let it go. Do not focus on the future; the future will create itself if you let it. Stay in the here and now; live in the present and follow the law.
Most people think this law has to do with relationships and letting go of the past, moving into the future, and staying ready for great things to come your way. As feisty ladies, we don’t like to wait! Many of us live our lives in the past (reminiscing summer vacations) or the future (dreaming of retirement) but we often forget about the most important time of all: right now!
Karma tells us that you should focus on the here and now. I find I can start to daydream when I’m on the road. This is never a good idea! The highways are more congested as many people return to work and children soon return to school, I have noticed the traffic picking up on all roads in the area. It seems that summer vacation is a distant memory judging from the tension-filled driving of teenagers and adults, many of whom drove a teeny bit slower when they didn’t have anywhere to be. One bumper sticker reminded me recently to stay in the present: “Pass me now, see you later. You are passing an ER nurse.” Sarcastic but true, I think. Slow down and pay total attention to the drivers who think that the road numbers are the speed limit. Route 99, 87, 78, 287, are road numbers, not speed limits, people!. You have to stay in the here and now, law #9, to survive driving on the roads today. Always be an “early to arrive” driver, leaving more than enough time to get where you are going.
The only thing that slows down these crazy drivers is the chance to gawk at an accident, a road assistance vehicle, or their exit approaching. Stay safe and look for me in the granny lane, feisty ladies.
The Eighth Law of Karma: The Law of Giving and Hospitality
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Karmic Law #8: The Law of Giving and Hospitality
Give without expecting to get anything in return. The universe must be allowed to fulfill your desires in the way it sees fit. Just be patient; things will work out for the best.
I always have a great summer at the local swimming pool playing Auntie #1. I purchased our yearly swimming pass this year with the hopes that we would all once again have a great summer at the pool. We would be swimming, diving, splashing, and of course, eating all summer long, often seven days a week. We spent many afternoons just enjoying ourselves in the cool, chlorinated waters; my sidekicks managed to learn a couple of swim strokes, to swim without noodles in the deep end, and to jump rather cleverly from the low diving board. We all had a generally great time as even the pool time wound down for the summer. We certainly used our pool pass to the max and all of my nieces and nephews have been really happy. Their smiles were well worth the price of the ticket.
We, however, did have an issue with the splashers. Why any teenager needs to be splashing in the shallow section of the pool is beyond me. There were so many little kids swimming and enjoying themselves until the splashers arrived. The pool is fairly large and there is really no need for anyone except the little ones and their moms, aunties (including me), and grandmothers to be in the shallow section. But sure as clockwork, the splashers descended on the shallow end every day around 3 PM. No matter how often the moms, aunties, and grandmothers asked the splashers to leave, they still returned. We all decided that it was time to go forward with our complaints to the pool managers. The co-managers spoke to the guilty parties and things settled down for a week or two. Soon the splashers were back and the moms, aunties (including me), and grandmothers went to the next level, the recreation board, with their complaints. The splashers were given one final warning and things were again fine for a week or two.
The final straw for the moms, aunties, and grandmothers occurred on a steamy hot afternoon when the splashers were playing a game of extreme tag and nearly trampled two four-year-olds. The three lead splashers were kicked out for a week and the pool was a safer place without them. The behavior of the splashers even became an issue for the town council, as more and more people were complaining about the behavior of the splashers at the pool. Fortunately, the splashers have for the most part left the pool but are now terrorizing the little kids as they ride their scooters in the park adjacent to the pool.
All the moms, aunties, and grandmothers learned a valuable lesson about speaking up and shared it with their children: speak up when things are not as they should be or someone could possibly hurt you or cause you serious bodily harm. Tell a responsible adult or the person in charge. If you do not tell anyone about a problem, they will never know about it. Being proactive means being your own advocate and telling someone about your problem so that they can help you fix it.
The Seventh Law of Karma: The Law of Focus
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Karmic Law #7: You cannot think of two things at the same time. You should do one thing only and do it really well. Focus! No multitasking—ever! (I really need to work on this one).
Many of my feisty lady friends are generally the “go-to” person at work when things need to be done. They complete the task and are able to take on any new responsibilities thrown their way without missing a step. They have been repeatedly praised for their multitasking abilities. At my job, I hear the words “ask Elizabeth” a lot, too, but we all must admit that sometimes we want someone else to do their fair share and not ask us to do what they could actually be doing.
I also have been reading about the plusses and minuses of multitasking and I am wondering if this is the most effective means of action, for me, and my feisty friends. Multiple studies have said that multitasking results in neither task being completed in an optimal manner. “Do one thing, do it well, and then move on to the next task” is now the suggestion for the multitaskers of the world, according to these studies. As I reflect on these words, I must admit, grudgingly, that my feisty friends and I find this to be totally true. We all agree that if you have too many tasks on your plate you will suffer from overworking, an increased level of stress hormones, a genuine lack of getting enough rest, and no time for yourself. We have learned to say “NO” and are not at all fussed about doing this, although it did take us some time to get to this point. It actually makes us feel happy as we force others to step up and do their fair share. Sometimes you have to step back so others can step up. And yes, we feisty ladies are all still working on this, too.
We all seem to be happy with our new attitude about multitasking. It has given me the time to write more blogs, to add more chapters to this second book, and to do things for myself. Wow! What a great idea: doing something for myself.
So, feisty ladies, do one thing less and invest that extra time in doing things for yourself. We deserve it. We need it. We will all be happier.
The Sixth Law of Karma: The Law of Connection
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Karmic Law #6: Everything in the Universe is connected. Each step leads to the next step, and all the steps are needed to accomplish any given task. Respect the journey and respect the whole process of doing anything. All the steps you take are important. They are all valuable. Enjoy the journey and complete all of the steps required.
This law of connection is really a tough one for some feisty women. Some of us just want to decide, plan, and complete the task. Too often we forget to enjoy the process and all of the steps along the way as we focus on the end result. Many of us are simply too goal-oriented and forget to enjoy the journey. “Just get it done!” we say. Actually, many of my feisty friends do enjoy completing tasks and will enjoy the process when they look back on the completed task, even if they do not always admit this right away.
One thing that does often help is writing about these experiences. Writing on a computer or keeping a traditional journal notebook, whatever it takes. I feel that writing has really helped me connect my past (oh God), the present (going well), and my (ever hopeful) future as I work on my Feisty Lady series of books. Writing is a step-by-step process with no shortcuts, only re-edits. I know that I have to go slowly to get all of the details right, to have one story flow into the next story, and always to have an ending that offers advice, no matter how good or bad it may seem. Maybe this is how I best succeed in living the Law of Connection. And maybe I should just keep on doing what I do best: writing my funny, quirky stories of all those women who have survived their very own “Mr. Wonderful” and kept their sense of humor to live a better life without him.
Do your own thing, in your own way, in your own time. Take the steps that work for you. Choose to reflect or not reflect. Enjoy your life. Live the Law of Connection in your own way. Respect yourself and be happy doing whatever offers you the connection that you need. Be happy.
The Fifth Law of Karma - The Law of Responsibility
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Karmic Law #5: Take responsibility for your life. Be active in your life; don’t be a passenger. Change things in your life as you need to change them and don’t wait. Change can be difficult but the most growth happens from some of life’s toughest experiences.
Many of my feisty women friends have been thinking about all of the folks in their lives who never take responsibility for their lives, for what is wrong in their lives, and for what they are doing to mess up the lives of others. It is always “someone else’s fault.” “It was not me who did this.” I could go on but you get the point. Blamers are all around us in voices of the adults who cannot take responsibility for their life.
So how do we feisty women deal with these “blameless folks”? We keep on fighting back. We join the resistance, we write postcards, we make calls, and we march. If you do not speak up, no one will ever know what you think or that you agree or disagree. We call and write weekly to advocate for the public schools, the elderly, and those on disability. Change is not easy, but we are ready to do our best to change things for the better. Make your voice heard. What you say and do does matter. The next few years will be rough, difficult for all concerned, but whoever said that life was easy, feisty ladies? Hang on to those pink hats; we will all need them. Take responsibility to help the poor, the elderly, and the incarcerated. They all are counting on us more than ever. Talk to people, everyone, and listen as well.
The Fourth Law of Karma - The Law of Growth
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Karmic Law #4: Change what is needed in your heart and state of mind, and your life will change, too. Stay positive no matter what.
How do you know what needs to be changed? If it makes you happy, keep it in your life: if it makes you miserable, lose it. Sounds simple, but it’s true. Your gut will help you figure this out. State the problem and sit quietly and listen; meditate on it. A solution will soon come to you, and it might be an easy one. Never overthink, but follow what your gut tells you to do. If it works for my favorite TV character, Leroy Jethro Gibbs of NCIS, it will work for you, too. Leroy (played by Mark Harmon) follows his gut and always seems to have the edge over the bad guys and gals. That little voice inside might just be what you have been ignoring but need to listen to now more than ever. (It took many of us years to figure this out.) I have a pastor friend who calls this little voice in your gut “the voice of God.” Who really knows what that voice is? And yet, we are always wise to follow it.
Stay positive no matter what.
This can sometimes be difficult for many of us and we may really need help to pull it off. We are all hard at work every day being more optimistic. It is so difficult when things in our world seem to go from stupid to stupider (a word I invented and take full credit for). The daily news is often bleak, deplorable, and extremely depressing in content and scope. It seems that another disaster is on the horizon every time we turn around. Some days we should just turn off the news, but the problem reappears the next day anyway. So how do we feisty ladies handle this? We contact the nitwits who are responsible for the problems, by phone or email and leave them a strong lecture, even if it is only on their voicemail.
My philosophy is, “If you do not speak up, you had better just shut up.” Some people don’t know or care that they are on the wrong track if you do not tell them. Let them know what you think. It may not matter to them but it does matter to us, and to those facing injustice, so stay positive by advocating for positive change. When we have done all we can, no matter the outcome, we feel good about ourselves and should remain positive because we did something. Does this sound like you? If you are a feisty woman like me, it will! Not quite there yet? Try something small to get you closer.
Let me know how it goes!